More Confused Than Ever

It's been a while since I've written anything and even longer since I've written anything nice. I've had a lot of not nice things to say about people: myself, others, mostly boys. 

But, I met this boy and I finally have something nice to say and it's all just really strange. It's strange having nice things to say. 

Ya know, you get used to loving someone and that someone defines you. And then you have to get used to not loving that person and you have to define yourself. And, well, I guess I defined myself as a hardass bitch. This is no surprise to anyone. 

I wanted to be the smartest, toughest, take-no-shit from anyone bitch ever. I figured I'd hit my shit quota for a life time and I wasn't about to take another iota from anyone. And, well, I got really good at it. And people seemed to like that about me. And that's who I was.

So, now that I have something nice to say about someone again, I kind of don't now how to act. I suppose I'm going to have to redefine myself again. Not because this guy gives me shit, but just because it's hard to be a hardass bitch while you're gushing over someone. 

So, who the fuck am I? I'd still like to think I'm smart. I'd still like to think I'm no nonsense. But, how tough am I? I don't know. I think I'm vulnerable. I think I'm vulnerable in a way I haven't been in ages. And it feels really fucking weird. 

Not because I'm afraid of getting hurt. Even though I'm feeling all these mushy-gushy emotions I'm still not to the point I believe in happily ever after. I've gotten over heart-break before. I feel more than capable of getting over it again. I'm not afraid of the relationship ending. 

I guess what it comes down to is I'm afraid of the relationship beginning. And who I become once I'm fully in it and not an outside observer analyzing it. 

I know who I was with Jerome and I don't feel happy with who that person was. I know who my mom is in relationships and I don't think I like that person very much. Can't say I'm a big fan of my sister in a relationship either. Or my grandmothers or aunts or. . . well, I supposed if I'm honest I don't know what I think a happy, healthy, well balanced relationship looks like. And I certainly don't know how I think I should act in one. 

I know I hate couples who put each other down and I know I hate couples who fawn all over each other. I hate couples who seem distance and unattached and I hate couples who seem needy and codependent. I hate guys who are dominant and I hate women who run the fucking show. I hate false niceness and I hate unkindness. I could go on, but I won't. You get the idea. 

But, despite all of this hostility I have towards relationships all I wanna do is be with this dumb boy. And even though I am still adjusting to the idea of being in a relationship I know at the end of the night who I wanna go home with. 

And I'm not his because he owns me, but because he won me. And every time I get a text message, I hope it's from him. And every time I hear something funny, I wanna laugh about it with him. And as I'm writing this I wonder what he'll think of it. 

So, I'm basically grossing myself the fuck out and I just need to know how to deal with it because I have no fucking idea. 

Am I supposed to welcome this softer, gentler me?

Am I supposed to buy a fucking bundt cake mold and commence docile servitude? Because that's, honestly, how I see the female role in all hetero-relationships. The women make babies and bake cakes and the men. . . well, I'm not entirely sure what the fuck the men do because I have yet to observe a decent fucking male role model in my life. 

My dad is dead. My step-dad was a piece of shit and my grandfathers and uncles are all alcoholics. My aunts are either hardworking, single women or put up with my alcoholic uncles. 

So, yeah, I guess I have a pretty fucking negative view of relationships that I am just now coming to terms with. 

Which begs the question, why the fuck did I get married at age 18? Oh, yeah, I wanted to have sex. So, when I lost God, I figured out I could have all the sex I wanted without the bullshit marriage part. But, now, that I l. . . l . . . care about someone, how the hell do I act? Yeah. I have no idea.