More Confused Than Ever

It's been a while since I've written anything and even longer since I've written anything nice. I've had a lot of not nice things to say about people: myself, others, mostly boys. 

But, I met this boy and I finally have something nice to say and it's all just really strange. It's strange having nice things to say. 

Ya know, you get used to loving someone and that someone defines you. And then you have to get used to not loving that person and you have to define yourself. And, well, I guess I defined myself as a hardass bitch. This is no surprise to anyone. 

I wanted to be the smartest, toughest, take-no-shit from anyone bitch ever. I figured I'd hit my shit quota for a life time and I wasn't about to take another iota from anyone. And, well, I got really good at it. And people seemed to like that about me. And that's who I was.

So, now that I have something nice to say about someone again, I kind of don't now how to act. I suppose I'm going to have to redefine myself again. Not because this guy gives me shit, but just because it's hard to be a hardass bitch while you're gushing over someone. 

So, who the fuck am I? I'd still like to think I'm smart. I'd still like to think I'm no nonsense. But, how tough am I? I don't know. I think I'm vulnerable. I think I'm vulnerable in a way I haven't been in ages. And it feels really fucking weird. 

Not because I'm afraid of getting hurt. Even though I'm feeling all these mushy-gushy emotions I'm still not to the point I believe in happily ever after. I've gotten over heart-break before. I feel more than capable of getting over it again. I'm not afraid of the relationship ending. 

I guess what it comes down to is I'm afraid of the relationship beginning. And who I become once I'm fully in it and not an outside observer analyzing it. 

I know who I was with Jerome and I don't feel happy with who that person was. I know who my mom is in relationships and I don't think I like that person very much. Can't say I'm a big fan of my sister in a relationship either. Or my grandmothers or aunts or. . . well, I supposed if I'm honest I don't know what I think a happy, healthy, well balanced relationship looks like. And I certainly don't know how I think I should act in one. 

I know I hate couples who put each other down and I know I hate couples who fawn all over each other. I hate couples who seem distance and unattached and I hate couples who seem needy and codependent. I hate guys who are dominant and I hate women who run the fucking show. I hate false niceness and I hate unkindness. I could go on, but I won't. You get the idea. 

But, despite all of this hostility I have towards relationships all I wanna do is be with this dumb boy. And even though I am still adjusting to the idea of being in a relationship I know at the end of the night who I wanna go home with. 

And I'm not his because he owns me, but because he won me. And every time I get a text message, I hope it's from him. And every time I hear something funny, I wanna laugh about it with him. And as I'm writing this I wonder what he'll think of it. 

So, I'm basically grossing myself the fuck out and I just need to know how to deal with it because I have no fucking idea. 

Am I supposed to welcome this softer, gentler me?

Am I supposed to buy a fucking bundt cake mold and commence docile servitude? Because that's, honestly, how I see the female role in all hetero-relationships. The women make babies and bake cakes and the men. . . well, I'm not entirely sure what the fuck the men do because I have yet to observe a decent fucking male role model in my life. 

My dad is dead. My step-dad was a piece of shit and my grandfathers and uncles are all alcoholics. My aunts are either hardworking, single women or put up with my alcoholic uncles. 

So, yeah, I guess I have a pretty fucking negative view of relationships that I am just now coming to terms with. 

Which begs the question, why the fuck did I get married at age 18? Oh, yeah, I wanted to have sex. So, when I lost God, I figured out I could have all the sex I wanted without the bullshit marriage part. But, now, that I l. . . l . . . care about someone, how the hell do I act? Yeah. I have no idea. 

So, I want to share a couple of resent conversations I've had and then ask a question.

On two separate occasions, by two completely different people, I have had my friendship interactions with men questioned. The first was by a very respected and highly valued female friend of mine. This person is intelligent, educated, sharp, witty, side splittingly funny, astute, a skeptic, freethinker, and all around great gal! I think that's why I was particularly thrown off when she asked me the other night, "So, why aren't you dating any of the great guys who constantly post on you Facebook page?"

After staring kind of blankly at her for a moment, I replied with what I thought most directly answered her question, "Because I don't want to sleep with any of them." That gave her a bit of pause. I followed with, "Isn't that important in someone you date?" The conversation moved on from there and we didn't peruse the issue any further. Perhaps my answer came off a bit flippant and defensive and she decided to back off. Perhaps I meant it to.

The second time I had my friendship interactions questioned was by a somewhat less respected, less highly valued friend. Only because I do not know this person very well. So, I'm out with a group of friends and through conversation I find out one of them (a guy) has recently moved close to where I live in the city. We start discussing restaurants in the area we like and haven't tried yet, etc. I tell him he should try this or that restaurant and after a while we decide we should go out to one of my favorite restaurants together. Now I see this as a completely innocent and natural action. Someone I already know and am friends with moves close to me. Of course, we make plans to hang out. . Apparently, however, this was seen as me coming onto him. Later, in a Facebook message I was told that I had been "eyeing" this guy "for a considerable period of time." Hm. Really?

So, this is my question: Why is it when I talk to women, smile at their stories, laugh at their jokes, touch their arm to express affection or comfort, greet them with a hug, or ask them to have dinner at a favorite restaurant, all these interactions are seen as innocent and purely platonic, but those same interactions with a guy are seen as flirtations?

In this day and age of sexual fluency, when we know and acknowledge that sexual emotions and attractions are bigger and more complex than the traditional gender box we have historically put them in, are we still questioning the validity of opposite sex friendships? If I'm allowed to have sexual feelings for and fool around with my female friends, why am I not allowed to have platonic feelings for men? I really enjoy the male friendships I have and think my life would be less rich without them.

Why are friendship interactions between the opposite sex assumed to be a precursor to an eventual sexual relationship? I'm not saying those friendship interactions never lead to sexual relationships. Of course, they sometimes do. But, they often times don't. And isn't that okay? Can't men and women enjoy platonic relationships?

You're not getting any younger: Part 2

God, I have so much to say about this, it could not be contained in a single blog post! The fucking stereotype that women need to get hitched while they are young and beautiful is so fucking degrading, I don't even know where to begin attacking it.

First of all, it is clearly sexist. No one ever says to a single guy, "You really outta find a lady, man. You're not getting any younger, ya know?" Why? B/c men's value and worth is not tied up in their physical appearance. I get guys have their own sexist social expectations put on them. Guys are supposed to be successful, have money, know how to fix things. I get that and I get it sucks. I'm just saying this is a clearly sexist stereotype about women and anyone who says it can fuck off.

Secondly, I really don't even understand the logic in this sentiment. As if once you are in a long-term, committed relationship or married that is an unbreakable bond. Um, people break up, people get divorced, people cheat on their significant others. How does me committing to someone now while I'm "young" protect me against this. It doesn't.

So, I might as well try to find someone I actually connect with and who actually likes me as a person. B/c guess what? I am only going to lose my youth and beauty! So, if that's the primary reason this guy is with me, well, I have kind of fucked myself, haven't I?

More on the differences between unfair gendered social expectations. Guys are supposed to be successful, have money, and be able to fix things, right? While, women are supposed to be nice and hot, right? So, ironically, women's figurative "stock" goes down as they age, while men's goes up. Ever notice how the 24 year old hottie gets divorced when she's 40 and her husband marries another 24 year old? Maybe 30 year old, but still. The 40 year old guy remarries a relatively hot younger woman in his 40s, 50s, or 60s b/c his figurative "stock" goes up with age, increased career success, and money.

Well, fuck that. I want no part in any of that bull shit. I don't want a guy for his money and I don't want to be wanted solely for my physical attractiveness. I want a guy I think is smart, funny, and attractive (and who is responsible with his money, however little or much of it he has) and who thinks the same about me. I get we will both lose our physical attractiveness as we age, but we will not lose the essence of who we are as people.

Okay. I think I'm done with this for now. More to come later perhaps. :)

You're not getting any younger you know.

Ooh, exciting! My first nasty message on my blog! Now I KNOW I'm big time! :D


So, here someone's comment on my lastest post "Skates Required."


So do you enjoy being alone? Because of the road you're going down, quickly. You may think you're better than everyone but there's a chance you are not. A good chance.

You shouldn't be so picky as to condemn yourself to a life of loneliness.

Also get away from OK zcupid and meet some real people in the flesh. Over or under 40! you're not getting any younger you know.

I'm sorry. When did I say I was better than anybody? Oohh! Was it when I did not agree to have sex with someone I was not physically or emotionally attracted to? How uppity of me.

"Do I enjoy being alone?" I enjoy my life for the most part. Right now I am not dating anybody. So, I suppose I do enjoy being alone. Would I like to meet someone who I respect, admire, think is funny smart, and attractive? Yes. That would be nice. That's why I am on okc. In the meantime, would I rather be alone than with someone who I'm not that into or who is not that into me? Yes. I would much rather be alone. I've dated someone who was not that into me before. It sucks! He emotionally jerked me around. I try to be more compassionate than that.

Do people I meet from okc "in the flesh" not count as "real"? I need more details on your definition of "real people."

Lastly, my favorite: I'm "not getting any younger." :> This fills me with joy. The goto dig at every woman in Western-freakin' civilization. CALL HER OLD. Niiiiiiiice. Classy. You're right. My most attractive years are far behind me. I am getting older and less physically attractive day by day. Somedays this makes me sad. Somedays I look in the mirror and think "God, I am old and ugly and no one will ever love me." Somedays I look in the mirror and think I'm pretty fly. Good thing I don't derive my only sense of worth and value from my physical appearance or else I'd be a bigger emotional wreck than I already am!

Well, I cannot control my aging process. I can only control my actions and decisions. I choose to go on dates with people I think I have a genuine interest in and fuck those I want to. I expect the same treatment. I think this is more likely to yield my desired dating results: find someone I share mutual affection, respect, and desire for. But, I could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.

New Rule: Skates required

So, I was just re-reading my okc notes today. As I was laughing out loud at some of the shit I had written over the past year, I thought to myself, I should really start doing those again. They really are funny. I see why people get such a kick out of them. So, this afternoon when I should really be grocery shopping or doing other productive shit, I'm on okc and lo and behold I'm asked out on a date. . .

DUMMY: Would you like to grab a drink or bite to eat?

ME: hi. not really. sorry

DUMMY: Not today? Or not in general?

ME: um, not today. maybe, not in general. . idk

DUMMY: Hmmm. I don't think of you as the ambivalent type. What are you concerns about meeting me?

ME: your age (he's 40)

DUMMY: I have read your OKCUpid Match questions, and we seem surprisingly compatible. Is your fear that I will look old or act old and have nothing in common?

ME: umm, maybe a combination of all three? lol i remember thinking you seem really nice and cool, but the age thing might be a sticking point as far as a romantic relationship goes. i'd be happy to meet for something chill and informal and see where it goes. i just dont wanna mislead anyone

DUMMY: I am definitely game for that. And perhaps it is worth mentioning that I will probably be relocating to Denver later this year. So I am not looking for anything long-term.

ME: that's cool. not worried about that

DUMMY: Something casual and fun. Not deeply romantic.

ME: not exactly trying to be anyones fuck buddy either. .

DUMMY: With the understanding that you do not want to mislead me, and that you are concerned that my age is a sticking point because eI may look too or act too old or have nothing in common with you, and that you are not looking to be anyone's fuck buddy... I am still interest din meeting you. I like the atheist thing a lot, and that you are ballsy enough to have posted the "Freethinking Skeptical Atheist Bitch" picture, even if you did later take it down.

ME: deal. under one condition. we go roller skating.

DUMMY: And I love your lips. Those big, soft, moist, ultra-kissable lips. Or, at least, the look that way.

ME: lol

DUMMY: Roller skating? Really? I have not been in years. Where do you go?

ME: i never go! that's the problem!

DUMMY: I also live in OP. Is there a rolle drink anywhere around us?

ME: yes!

Long story short, I have this voice mail message on my phone when I get home:

Hey, Sarah. Listen, I just wanted to clarify. I feel a little bad. I feel like maybe we had a little miscommunication. And, while, I did sort of misunderstand you when you kind of said you weren't looking to be anybody's fuck buddy, I was being sincere when I said that even if I had not misunderstood that statement I still would have asked you out.

I still, as I say, was sort of impressed with the whole "FreeThinking Skeptical Atheist Bitch" thing and, uh, I was so curious to meet you in person, I would have asked you out, uh, anyway.

I find sometimes, and I think you should know, one thing that might be different or differentiates you from other women is perhaps you're a better communicator, and good at communicaing, at saying what you mean and meaning what you say. And, the truth is that most women don't. It's normal. When women generally say, "Oh, I'm not, you know, interested in that sort of thing or looking." In general women, I just think have been conditioned or socialized to be kind of standoffish in matters of sex. And I find sometimes, that the most, you know, approach, is just to be direct and open and honest. Not try and be sneaky or anything. So, I just sort of take things like that with a grain of salt. Um, I just sort of have come over the years to just sort of expect women to say, "Oh, I don't do that sort of thing. I don't like that." And, anyrate. And I didn't really know you really well enough. Maybe I kind of read what I wanted to read into that statement and interpreted it that way.

Anyway. I didn't wand you to take offense at it. I wouldn't have asked you out to the movie if I hadn't thought you were a genuinely interesting person. And, uh, I like that you have a sharp mind. And, uh, so I certainly, uh, understand your position now. And I won't hit you up again for the whole sex thing. Even though I think it would be fun. Um, but, I didn't want you to take any offense. I don't like to offend good people. People that I think are nice. I certainly don't set out to offend those kinds of people. And, uh, I think you fall into that category.

So, if you feel like I had been dismissive or ignored what you said. Or, uh, you know, all I cared about was getting into your pants then I apologize if there was a misunderstanding there.

It just fell into the case that I was interested in getting to know you at personal level and a sexual level, both. So, anyrate, no loss. It was still a lot of fun. I still enjoyed the movie and hadn't roller skating in years. So, it was a good time. I hope you have a good night. Talk to you later. Bye bye.

New Rule: All first dates must begin at a skating rink. The thrill of seeing a grown ass man teeter around on roller skates makes the whole ordeal worth while. If I'm going to have to go through the pain and agony of these dates, the least the other person can do is suffer through an equally distressing experience. Watching someone awkwardly pedal around, trying not to smash into small children, seems about fitting. The other advantage is the mobility of roller skates. It really makes the other person have to work to hold a conversation. If they are unwilling to put in the effort, well, at least I'm roller skating. Not sitting miserably across a silent table. So, from now on, you wanna meet me? Get your ass on skates.

I had an okc date tonight that I blew off. I just couldn't take another disappointment. Also, Irish Coffee: A great winter drink or the greatest winter drink?

Love. Pff. Who wants any part of it? As far as I can tell, love makes us all act against our own self interests. We allow those we are romantically in love with to treat us in ways we would never put up with from our closest friends. And when it's all over all people seem to want to do is trash the other person. State how horrible they were. How they made us do awful things. And treated us sooooo poorly. Well, fuck that. I know my ex never made me do anything. I agreed to it all. I accepted his bull shit. I put up with it. Why? B/c I fn loved the jack ass. I don't hate my ex. I hate myself for who I was when I was with my ex. I hate myself for what I let him get away with. He didn't make me do anything. I did it all. Freely. And when I think back on it hate myself for it.

And I hate all those whiney ass holes out there bitching about their exes and what evil cunts they were for spending all their money and sleeping around or whatever. I just want to shake them an scream in their faces, "What the fuck made you stay, you stupid piece of shit?! Take some personal fucking responsibility!!!"

If I can come to terms with my needy co-dependent personality, so the fuck can you.

So, the next time you talk a bunch of shit on your ex, realize what you are saying is, "I am such a weak piece of shit, I let this worthless ass shit all over me for years. Man, am I pathetic." Or maybe take a sobering look at yourself and realize you were getting something out of that relationship. Figure out what that was and try to find a healthier way to get it. You know, without all the needy co-dependance. While you're at it, maybe appreciate the person who gave it to you for years. Sure they ripped your heart out, but, Jesus, didn't they love you too? And if they didn't. If they really didn't, ask yourself what allowed you to stay in a loveless relationship.

Moral of the story: Don't be such a fucking victim. It's really childish. . . and unattractive.

I know I'm a complete idiot when I fall for a guy. I'm working on being less so. In the mean time, I'm not going to blame others for my bad decisions. I'm going to take it in stride and try to do better next time. I think that's the only adult way to look at it.